Crowd cheering sound < nails on a chalkboard.
Soooo... have you ever felt the urge to fart, but didn't feel you could in present company? I'm not speaking from experience... I rarely fart. Ask Mr. G, it's true. Anywho, if you have this problem, I suggest you read the column below. I have never heard of a muffled tailpipe, so I can't confirm that this works, but if you have tried it or are planning to try it, let me know. Again, not that I need it, but just because I'm curious. Not bi-curious. Just curious.
How to Fart In Front of Your New Significant Other
Well so, if you couldn't tell I went to summer camp. It is my favorite place in the world because that is where I met all my favorite people in the world. More than that though, most of the things I hold to be true in this world, I learned from my camp friends. And one of those is the Muffled Tailpipe.
The Muffled Tailpipe is the act of placing toilet paper in your butthole in order to stifle the sound of a fart. It is meant to be used with thin walls, new relationships, and/or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Let me be clear about something: I am a firm believer in letting loose in front of your boyfriend or girlfriend. Or anyone for that matter, if you feel comfortable enough to do so. It is freeing and healthy. Let your buttholes ring, you free-spirited trombonists, you. But as this is not the case for most of you, you are welcome for the sound advice. Sound advice, because farts! You guys get it.
The other thing that's cool about the Muffled Tailpipe is that it can be applied to several different situations. I have compiled a list of appropriate occasions:
- Your work restroom, specifically if your boss happens to be one stall over.
- The Theater (a pre-performance stuff)
- Movie Nights With New Acquaintances, During Which You are Seated Three to the Couch
- Brunch (Restaurant bathrooms are often singles. Brunch comes with long lines.)
To name a few. Feel free to suggest more scenarios in the comments. And here's hoping that you will one day have the courage to fart like a madman or woman, regardless of who is around. Until then, the MT is at your disposal.
[Image via Getty]
A second trailer for "Hunger Games" has been released. I simply cannot wait to see this movie!! Who's with me? Those of you who haven't read the books, go ahead! At least read the first one before the movie comes out. Come on, when have I ever steered you wrong?
David Hasselhoff got himself in drunk, hamburger-eating position in Australia so he could pet a Kangaroo. Come on... you know you would've thought of that even without the burger graphic.
In celebrity news, Rosanne Barr has just filed documents to become the nominee for the Green Party, so she can run for President of the United States. That's it. I'm throwing my hat in. Except I'm going to be the nominee for the Purple Party. And when I win, I'm painting the White House Purple. #GingerForPresident
And now for today's (feline calming aid) FAIL:
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And today's (soldier encouragement) WIN!!
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Hey, WTF??!! Ummmm. *tilts head in confusion* Is this for men who like their women to look like blow-up dolls? I think this is the opposite of a muffled tailpipe.
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And that's all the time I have for today... practice making your very own muffled tailpipe and until tomorrow, here's something you should know...
Punxsutawney Phil is the name of the groundhog that lives in the town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Every year, he causes a major hubub.
Every February the 2nd is called Groundhog Day, because Phil comes out of his home. According to the tradition, if Phil sees his shadow and goes back to his hole, it means there will be 6 more weeks of winter. If he does not see his shadow, he predicts an early spring.
This day is a huge celebration, organized by members of the Inner Circle, who dress in top hats and tuxedos. The media comes out to cover the festival, and there was even a famous movie made around the day.
The only problem is, Phil is a terrible predictor! The StormFax weather Almanac has kept records of his predictions. Over the last 115 years, the groundhog has only been correct 39% of the time. That means that you could flip a coin and you would be more accurate. Now where's your fair?