Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Jerky Off

Waggish Wednesday to you all, my little gingersnaps. In the news, a man in Wisconsin dressed in a suit and tie walked in to a Denny's trying to convince the manager and employees that he was the new general manager. While the actual manager was on the phone with corporate, the man made himself a cheeseburger, fries and a soda. Police were called and he was found to have a stun gun and a few crack pipes. As he was being removed he yelled out to customers, "This is why you don't dine and dash, kiddies!".

Of all the places to break into and make yourself a cheeseburger, you have to choose Denny's? Really? You know who has a really killer hamburger? Cheesecake Factory. It's a hamburger with a fried ball of mac n' cheese, with more mac n' cheese sauce poured on top. No really, it's killer. You need to have your cholesterol checked after you eat it but it's soooo worth impersonating a general manager and getting hauled off to jail for.

Wisconsin Man Arrested For Making Own Cheeseburger, Fries At Denny's

James Summers allegedly walked into a Denny's and cooked his own food. The police report is awesome.

In what could be the most colorfully-written police report of all time, a Wisconsin officer detailed a man who allegedly tried to dupe Denny's employees into thinking he was their new general manager -- and then cooked his own cheeseburger and fries.

James Summers, 52, waltzed into a Madison Denny's on Tuesday wearing a coat and tie and claiming to be a 30-year corporate veteran of the restaurant chain, according to a Madison Police Department press release.

Summers' alleged plot was more devious than just defrauding managers -- he wanted a free cheeseburger, and he wanted to make it himself.

The epic play-by-play incident report was written by journalist-gone-civilian-officer Joel DeSpain, who gave an interview to The Huffington Post.

"[Summers] never announced he was one of the pros from Dover, but the briefcase toting gentleman wearing a maroon tie and long black trench coat was quite clear: he had been sent by corporate," DeSpain wrote in the report. "Surprised, and a bit shocked, the 38-year-old [manager] thought, surely, this must be a mistake. ... Perhaps, she indicated to him, you have arrived at the wrong restaurant."

But nay, DeSpain relayed, Summers said he was not at the wrong restaurant. The report gets even better:

This conversation developed into a tete-a-tete or a "nose to nose," to quote the manager, as the man asserted his new role as she told him she thought not. This went on until he said it was final, he was going to commence his duties. It was at this point, the manager began making calls up-the-chain. ... While on the phone, she waved off kitchen staff as they rapped on her door, trying to get her attention. She was not to be interrupted while talking with corporate. What cook staff wanted her to know was that the new "GM" was in the process of cooking himself up a cheeseburger and fries, and that he had gotten himself a soda.

After a bit of confusion, Madison cops stepped in and allegedly found an unregistered stun gun on Summers' belt, as well as what appeared to be a few crack pipes, NBC News reported.

As cops walked the man out, DeSpain wrote that Summers yelled out to Denny's customers, "This is why you don't dine and dash, kiddies."

Summers was arrested and charged with fraud, possession of an electric weapon, disorderly conduct and possession of drug paraphernalia.

DeSpain, a public information officer for the department -- and former CBS affiliate employee -- writes up many of the most important police reports each day. Sometimes, he said, he can't help but stray from the often tame and boring narrative style of police reports.

"This one kind of wrote itself," he told The Huffington Post. "Most days I'm knee-deep in stuff that's not so humorous. But occasionally we'll get one like this.

"What's funny is that this guy could have gone into any restaurant in town, but he wanted a Denny's cheeseburger. ... He was no stranger to the kitchen," DeSpain added.

Now, in case I have yet to convince any of my readers why cats are better than any other animal... here is more proof.

(Thanks Laurie!)

Stop the Linsanity! You can buy Jeremy Lin's Underwear for $10,000 (or the starting bid of $1000) from some douche who got them from the dryer at his college. Why in the name of all that is holy would someone want his underwear? No really, I want someone to tell me why. Cause I have no clue.

Jeremy Lin's Underwear Is For Sale On eBay

The bidding for a pair Lin's boxer briefs from his Harvard days starts at $1,000.

The eBay merchant tieyourshoe7's sales pitch...

"My brothers friend went to Harvard and was in the same dorm, got his boxers from the dryer on accident. Got them from him for $100 because hes stupid. Buy now and these could be worth alot in the future."

Source: buzzfeed

Speaking of undies... tired of those edible undies made from fruit roll-ups? Try Brief Jerky... and spend the rest of the night trying to take bites off of it and chew it, avoiding the string holding it together. By the time you're done gnawing through them you probably won't be in the mood for anything other than falling asleep with a full belly and a bottle of beer. But at least they might look cute on your girl.

see more Poorly Dressed

And now for today's FAIL... it just so happened I found a bag full of dildos, but the ones I found were all sparkly. Not mostly black with a few white or tan ones thrown in. Think I found someone else's bag.

see more Poorly Dressed

And today's WIN! Ten points for creativity but I still wouldn't give this guy a ride.

white trash repairs - There I Fixed It: Darn Car Broke Down Again...
see more epicfails

Hey, WTF?!! It's Serial Killer Couture!

see more Poorly Dressed

And that's all the time I have for today. Which restaurant would you impersonate a manager for, to make your own cheeseburger? And until next time, there's something you should know...

Beer commercials aren't actually allowed to show someone drinking beer!

Ever watched an advertisement for beer and wondered why the people don't just drink already? It's actually a US law that people cannot actually be shown consuming an alcoholic beverage on television! While there are countless commercials advertising their use, none have their actors consume the product.

This is for several reasons. The first is when beer ads began to be featured on televisions, prohibition was just ending, and large companies feared viewers would find the consumption of alcohol too morally challenging. Thus, they refrained from showing anyone consuming alcohol. The second reason pertains to minors. When the drinking age was raised to 21, the government worried that too many minors would be brainwashed by ads depicting younger looking people drinking beer, thus they made it illegal to show anyone drinking at all!



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