Monday, February 22, 2010

Arrested Development

It's Spank and Ginger in the morning. The weather in Alcatraz, California is currently 55 degrees and sunny, which is makes for a great day of hanging out in the prison yard. Traffic on the 405 is bumper to bumper which really doesn't matter since no one is leaving the island anyway.

Speaking of leaving the island *sharpening my shank* did Ginger get Lost?

Last I heard she was IN Alcatraz. I wonder how much time she has to serve before she's released.

Is Alcatraz one of those places that give you the snuggly white jackets where you can give yourself hugs?

*nods* It's all about self-love, unless you run into a tattooed dude named Shorty, then you're his bitch. Not Ginger, though... she's nobody's bitch.

*shaking head* You didn't say the "B" word. Hey, Spank, do you think Ginger will get me an autograph from Sirius Black while she's there?

I don't think they let you have pens in Alcatraz as it is a potential weapon. But speaking of arrested tell me, do you think Barry Manilow has had work done?


I think there's one obvious explanation.

And what is that, Sandi?

The Idol tour has been hard on Clay Aiken and he's now performing as a Barry Manilow impersonator.

Ah, yes, and he reworked the lyrics to one of Barry Manilow's standards and now belts out Oh Mandeep, you CAME and you CAME without taking, then I sent you away...

When I agreed to this, I didn't realize there would be a Manilow lyrics portion of the segment. I'm unprepared.

Uhh, perhaps we haven't met? I'm the rocker chick with an unhealthy love of Barry Manilow standards. Nice to meet you. And you are?

You can call me Lola.

You walk like a woman but talk like man?

*clears my throat, speaks in a low voice* I'm more manly than Manilow.

HEY! Barry put the MAN in Manilow! Don't you forget it. Speaking of things that cannot be explained, this SHOULD be the WTF moment of the day. Billy Corgan and Jessica "Talentass" Simpson?


Nothing screams, "poppy" like Billy Corgan.

My snark has been temporarily "disarmed" by this statement: "He braids my prayers" I can't even form words. Can I tie your prayers in a noose? Please?

Maybe the writer misunderstood. Maybe Jess screams, "Poppy," when she's with Billy. He's old enough to be her Poppy. *flashes to an image of Papa Joe, dry heaves*

Do you think Billy Corgan likes her jugs as much as Papa Joe does?

NOBODY loves those jugs like Papa Joe.

I guess since he helped make them he can appreciate them like no other. Speaking of things that make me want to vomit let's continue with our WTF portion of the program:


The hand really sells that human form of volcanic rock.

Why when I see this do I think of Patron and cold marble?

I thought those memories were wiped clean? Clean like a gush of refreshing water spouting from a silly putty head stuck on a chunk of jagged rock.

*holds my stomach* Oh, I will never forget the night I became one with Jasper on the cold marble floor in the bathroom at Tapas. Speaking of which, we almost forgot our daily eye-candy! Can you guess who it is today? *grins wickedly because Ginger's not here to cock-block me*

Let me guess: a young gentleman who plays a vampire, is in a band that involves a human-sized banana, and is attracted to paper cuts like a moth to a flame?


Look, he's wearing PURPLE! You think that will soften the blow when Ginger sees this?

I feel like a chunk of volcanic rock looking at that shirt.

Shirt? Is he wearing a shirt? I can't stop looking at that smile. I swear this man will keep Victoria's Secret in business despite the weakened economy.

Speaking of the weakened economy, do you think that explains why his guitar strap is filthy? Is he using it as a napkin now?

*looks at you, shaking my head* Seriously? The guitar strap? THE SMILE... THE EYES! And, besides, I like my JBone a little dirty. *grins*

I think your vision is clouded by Jasper-colored-glasses.

*adjusts my Jasper-colored glasses and nods* You should get yourself a pair, they are better than 3-D. And speaking of other dimensions, we need to get back to ours. We also need to get J. Jenks on the phone to help us get Ginger out of jail. But we would NEVER leave you without something really profound to think about, like this:

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?


  1. Uh Spank, not even a purple-obsessed girl like myself can condone that outfit on Jacksper. It looks like he's trying to channel Willie Nelson and Pee Wee Herman at the same time. (Sorry, Spank... apparently I did not get a pair of Jasper-colored glasses)

    No worries people, I will be back tomorrow. I have a fool-proof plan to escape Alcatraz. It includes a paper mache dummy, an enlarged vent hole and a homemade raft. Either that, or I plan to turn myself into a dog and walk right past the guards. FOOL-PROOF I tell you!

    Sandi, thanks for taking over for me. You rock! Or you're the rock. Or I'm on the Rock. *confused* This solitary confinement is starting to get to me.

  2. Can I be The Rock Obama?

    Welcome home, Ginger. No one can fill your Ed Hardy's, but it's sure fun trying!

  3. Ha ha , @rowantastic here aka was @ msincognitio but I think that account was jailed for saying Cum to me once too often. Who knows. Ok Ginger showed us the famous Alcatraz slug and I was like hmm ok is it male or female, is it hung or slung. I know bad jokes. I was being absolute mind gutter filthy with the slug who looks like he has a foreskin for a head! there I really should shut up and go now.
    Sweetsandi aka Lola, great step in :) "Her name was Lola she was a show girl" yes a Barry Manilow fan here.
    The make over was Barry in Wax at Madame Tussaudes.
    Ok better really really leave now xxx toot sweets xxx Dre

  4. Nothing like having all of my favorite people in one place. Great job Lola!

  5. First and foremost - Sandi - as always fantabulous job!

    Second - Spank... Spank, Spank, Spank, Spank, Spank, *shakes my head slowly* What has your life done to you? From Barry (lyrical and musical genius) to Jackson and that..... cotton candy disaster he was wearing? WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON? Eyeball bleach - STAT! (sorry Spanky - he's all yours sista!)

  6. @Heather WHY do you come here to break my Jackson-lovin' heart? *wipes my salty tears on JBone's filthy guitar strap*

  7. Oh Jacksper....

    not even in character and He's wearing a dead animal on his head...and what is that I see? evident signs of constipation? Must be acting. I also believe Barney the Dinosaur threw up on his shirt. Sorry Spanky....its true.

  8. @DEEP!!!! *raises my baseball bat high and swings it forcefully at your head*